First Steps

"You were the kite I used

to learn to love the wind."

~Leslie Harrison~

This is a hard post to write, so I'm just going to dive headfirst into the current, as I so often do. After 13 years of marriage and an extended separation, my husband & I are officially getting divorced. The reasons why are complex and not for me to share now. My story and his blend to the point where words are embedded into other words and I cannot accurately express our points of union and division. I read a very irate op-ed the other day about how couples need to tough it out lest they ruin every American child by parting. This was a thought that kept me locked in a very painful situation for almost two years, so I certainly understand this perspective. However, as a child of divorced parents, I need to express something very different.

My parents divorced when I was fifteen after they had been married for twenty-seven years (and together for four before that). Since fewer than half of all marriages ever make the 25 year mark, theirs was a statistical "success" story. But, my parents stayed unhappily married for well over a decade...for us, "for the kids." The devastating violence and suffering I witnessed between the two of them seriously impacted me as a woman, lover and eventually as a wife. It took me until I was married for a decade myself to finally have healed enough to be a true partner in a relationship. I understand that divorce, especially when a couple has children as M. and I do, is never something to be taken lightly. But I also understand that to remain in a painful and chronically dysfunctional marriage is to inflict just as much damage (if not more) on the children. I am living proof of that.

We have worked out a shared custody arrangement that means we *both* get to experience parenting our children in a full-time way and are in a delicate place of balance and almost-friendship. Some people who "know" some of the details of our story point fingers and seek to assign blame. I know that some of M.'s choices have broken my heart, but I also know that over the years as I went through my tumultuous adjustment to intimacy, I was guilty of inflicting wounds of my own. Bottom line? I just want us BOTH to be happy, healthy and full individuals, raising our kids cooperatively. We grew up together and share these three blood relatives in common, so keeping things positive and friendly benefits us all.

I am deeply thankful for my friends and family members who keep my inner spirit lit up like the Northern Lights. Some days, I am honestly in awe at the eclectic assemblage of people in my life. It has been an incredibly hard couple of years for me, but I am finally able to breathe without feeling like my ribs are broken apart...now they feel broken open. I go to bed at night and dream of almost drowning until I shed my clothes and am naked in the water...I dream of two small notches nestled in beside my spine that erupt, without warning, through my skin into a pair of wings...I dream of moonless nights and my hair tangling into brambles. None of this is metaphor, but is what I am constantly bombarded with in my solitary bed. I am a seedling, all awkward new growth and translucent leaves. I am slightly intoxicated by blossoms and distracted by the sky and having the most amazing love affair...with myself. Summer again and fireflies have returned, like my heart.