Blue sky this morning until gathering clouds darkened the horizon and hid the sunlight. I sat in my cafe spot, writing, and Iron & Wine came on the speakers there and the thought came to me that if my heart wasn't so bruised and bittersweet, that moment might just be what heaven is like: dreaming and people-watching out the window, words flowing for once, time belonging to no one but myself, a hot chai on the painted tabletop...yes.
We took Petunia to South Street in Philly on her birthday this past weekend to let her hit the eclectic shops and celebrate her newly twelve-year-old self. She is nearly as tall as I am (her shoes are actually a half-size larger) and I see her in constant flux these days--one moment seeing a glimpse of the baby she was, all blue eyes and tenderness, and in the next seeing the woman she is becoming--knowing glances and quick wits. Eleven was a hard year..and I have serious fears about what twelve will be for her.
Right now, I spend whole days without language, as if trying to speak underwater. There are sounds, yes...but the actual words are lost. The time has come for me to find them again...
7 comments:
I love you D. I'm proud that you've been able to say it here, phew, that must be such a relief! I hope in the telling you feel lighter and also, safe, we are hear to listen and absorb and of course honor the sheer loveliness of your words. xoxo
Oh D...I feel so honored that you felt safe enough to share this with me (us). Even in such a troubling time you are able to find the words so poetically.
I saw the image of your bedroom. So girly, feminine and totally "just yours". I love that vision. You are creating a new point of view for yourself.
You are brave and fearless my friend.
Thank you.
Much love always,
a.
I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible, aching time. I'll be holding healing thoughts for you. xoxo
Thank you so much for trusting us to share how you are feeling at the moment. I hope it has made you feel a little better and I hope that whatever decision you both make is for the good of all of you. Good luck!
beautiful, brave you. even amidst all the pain and difficulty, your words create such a tenderness. your honesty is so welcome. know that my love and support is always here for you.
i love you honey and am so glad you have found a safe space to breathe my bravely honest friend ... sending you warmth, xo
I am really glad that you shared here. I feel like you have been hinting at it...or maybe it was just me seeing into a situation I know too well. I am very attuned to divorce. I have been drowning in divorce my whole life. My husband has had the opposite upbringing. Whenever we go through a rough patch, which we did this summer, my first instinct is to think about divorce...he never does, but now after 7 years of marriage he understands why I naturally do. I too though don't think of another (and I think he finally believes me about this) I just think sometimes of being alone. alone with my children just because well...it seems like it would be easier. But he confronted me on alot of stuff this summer and most of it was my stuff. Hiding from intimacy because it is easier for me. Because I just seriously like being alone.
But we worked it through.
Whatever way happens for you, you are strong, super strong and I know you will find the best way for you.
I know you know ~ you're not alone ~ you are loved and supported by many.
XO,
Melba
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