It used to be that every week, I cringed my way through a self-portrait session to participate with the other amazingly creative souls at the old SPC site. The first months, it was one of the hardest acts of self-awareness I ever tried...looking at myself in picture after picture and trying to make peace with the reality of me and how I look to other people. It taught me how incredibly hyper-critical I am of myself & my appearance. All the things I love about the people around me, the laugh lines and old scars and crooked smiles I absolutely hated in myself. A mirror was fine, I was a moving target there--just do what needed to be done and then get on with it. But a picture was different...immutable and fixed.
Quite a while ago, I went to dinner with a very sweet guy who was beautiful to me in all of the idiosyncratic ways I like: hair, shaggy and going gray--perfectly asymmetrical grin...the lovely distracted way he watched me eat at my dinner. I started talking about college and how I went through a phase of starving myself. It wasn't a true illness that ultimately needed treatment or anything, but perhaps I can call it "anorexia-lite"...just a way for me to control something in my very chaotic existence at that time. I went days & days fasting, running my fingers over my protruding ribs and hipbones in the quiet darkness of my bedroom, reading the secret Braille of my body. As a result of it, though, I ended up with a dead tooth, dull in my jaw and darkened in color. Several dentists told me there was nothing technically wrong with the tooth, but that if it bothered me I could have it done cosmetically, "However," they warned, "Then you'll have to do all of the teeth so that one doesn't stand out."
In the end I said I'd get around to doing my teeth eventually...an eventuality that never quite happened. The dinner companion listened to my story, which came as a result of his question about why I cover my mouth when I smile and then said that, yes, he had noticed my tooth, but it only "added to my persona" and took nothing away from me. I puzzled over that for a long time, but at some point started to not judge my grin quite as harshly. (Old habits being what they are, I am often unsurprised to *still* see candid pictures of me where I have my hand clapped over my laughing mouth.)
Taking self-portraits did something similar for me over time. I know what my physical/beauty flaws are...each of us know the body parts or facial features we'd like to swap out and with whom and why. It's human nature, especially for women. But I started to see myself more fully in the process of engaging with my image in that way & it freed me from some of the old issues. Over the past couple of years, some strange and difficult situations have put me back into hiding behind the camera lens. I have grown ever-more critical of things and I'm writing this today for ME because it's time to get into the habit of the seeing myself more fully again...both the light sides and the dark ones Twain mentions in the quote above. So, for the summer months, every Monday, I plan to post a self-portrait here. I know many people do regular pictures like these, so if you already do, (or if you'd like to join me on your blog or on Facebook) feel free to let me know in the comments and I'll visit for inspiration!
Psst: by the way, you're beautiful...just sayin.
2 comments:
psst. by the way, YOU are beautiful, so very beautiful. just sayin' xoxox
So are you, my dear...I hope you know that!
Love to you,
D.
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